That means there are lots of fun things to do in and about town including shows and videos!

The Gentlemen of Long Pork are keeping busy too. Aside from gearing up for Sketchfest NYC and our big road trip for it. We’re excited to announce we have a Improv show coming up next week at the Playground!

Wednesday May 26th 8pm. $10

The Playground Theater
3209 N Halsted
Chicago, IL 60657

Seeing as it’s improv it’s going to be COMPLETELY new material. This is only our second show improvising together here in Chicago so come see us!

Okay aside from that you should also check out our good friend Devin Keast in his one man show:

Devin Keast, Gentleman and Sunshineface - Friday night May 28th. This will be his closing night, it’s also $10 and also at the Playground. Devin is great, if you went to our Harold Ramis show you’ve already seen him perform and fill in for Seth. So how could you not go?

If you’re not doing anything this weekend you should check out some dramatic theater completely unassociated with Long Pork:

Sinnerman Ensemble’s Days of Late – Now playing at the Viaduct and closing this weekend. Sinnerman is a local not for profit theater company here in Chicago out of Steppenwolf, awesome people, some of which donated to help get us to NY  so go see their show!

John Morrison – (our photographer, webmaster, promoter and jack-of-all-things-not-performing-or-writing) has launched a new photo blog of his street photography for the Tribune. You should take a look: Focal Points.

Zoran – Put out a new video on LowCarbComedy.com! A few of us are in it (and by a few we mean everyone associated with Long Pork except Morgan and Seth.) So you should go watch that.

Actually… ya know what, since we’re such generous guys… here you go, we’ll just embed it for you. Here’s the link just in case.

Oh yeah… then there is this. But we’ll talk more about that later.

Okay pretty people, we’re done telling you what to do for now. Enjoy your summer!

We’ll be peRforming this Monday (May 10th) at the Elbo Room (2871 N. Lincoln)!  Doin’ the funny right before us is Tiffany PuterBaugh, Drew Michael, Ken Barnard (a personal favorite of mine- CC*) and hosTing the night awaY will be Beth Stelling (she’s damn funny-CC*).  We are suPer excited to work with the Elbo Room, as they are One awesome venue and some of the nicest guys to work with…real Pushovers for comedy …seriousLy, we’ve had our way with them….. sexually. 

The night’s festivities start at 8:30pm, so we suggest a belated Cinco dE Mayo meal and then coming over for drinks after.  It will be a fun night of great standup and lots of new material from us.  How can you beat that?

Details:
What?: Hug City Presents: Long Pork at the Elbo Room
Where?: 2871 N. Lincoln Ave
Who?: Me, You, and Everyone We Know
How?: $7
Why?:  Ok, now your just trying to piss me off. (Lee might erase this…he loves negativity everywhere, except on his LP posts!)

BTW!!!  Can you find the secret message from Lee hidden in the post?!?  Comment the answer and you might win a prize!

CC*= Charley Carroll

That’s right pretty people!

Tonight is our first-ever probably-not-annual fundraiser!

“Hit Yourself in The Face With a Guitar!”

Come party with us, check us out, hit on us, and maybe try to take one of us home.

The show is $10 and it’s a fundraiser to help us send Long Pork to Sketchfest New York City! We’ve already been accepted, now we just need to figure out how the frak we can afford to get there. (Yes, I said frak, thankyouverymuch.)

In all seriousness we’ve got a great show for you folks tonight and we’re really excited to see all your smiling faces. For your $10 you’ll get to see two awesome bands who are graciously donating their time for us:

Common Shiner
&
Barehand Jug Band

On top of that we’re really excited to announce that we’re partnering with Social Media Club Chicago and are an official after-party for tonight’s SMC meeting! So come, socialize, rock out, network and have a great time! There will also be raffles where we will be giving away some amazing prizes. It’s all to support a really great cause (us) so come on down and have a good time. Maybe we’ll buy you a drink!*

Also, if you can’t make it tonight, or it’s now Friday and you’re just now seeing this in Google Reader you can still help us out by donating: via PayPal.

Here’s the details:

The HideOut
1354 W. Wabansia Ave
Doors open at 8, show begins at 9

*If you give us the money to buy it and one for us each. Sorry we’re poor, hence the fundraiser.

YOU say:
What?!?

WE say:
We are doing a show this week at one of the coolest bars in all of Chicago!

YOU say:
YAY!!!

WE say:
YOU SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  SHUT….Did I tell you to talk again!?!  DO NOT make me come over there.

YOU say:
(weep)

WE say:
Oh God, Baby, we’re sorry we flipped out like that.  You know we love you.  We love you so much.  We’re just on edge because we’re so excited that we get to do some amazing comedy stage readings at the HideOut this week.  There will be prizes…you like prizes don’t you baby?

YOU say:
(weep) y-yes…

WE say:
And we’re gonna have two amazing bands play: Common Shiner and the BareHand JugBand playing with us.  Common Shiner is voiced by Morgan Foster and is one of Chicago’s favorite pop/rock bands.  Shhhh….calm down.  You remember Morgan right?

YOU say:
You mean Long Pork’s stage manager?

WE say:
Yep!  See, you’re okay!  And BareHand JugBand is one of the greatest Jug Bands in the country, or so says the Minneapolis Battle of the Jug Bands!  They are also an attractive band from thier spunky lady singers, to thier sassy Jug Player, and all the well dressed pluckin and slidin’ gentlemen folk inbetween.  Does this sound like a good time to you?  huh?

YOU say:
Well, I had plans on Thurs…

WE say:
But you’re gonna?….YOU’RE GONNA!?!?

YOU scream in fear:
SKIP THEM!  I’M GONNA SKIP THEM!

WE say:
See…I love you.

RECAP!

What?: “Hit Yourself In The Face With A Guitar!” a night of comedy stage readings by the Gentlemen of Long Pork.  Featuring performances by Common Shiner and the BareHand Jug Band.
Where?: The HideOut (1354 W. Wabansia Ave, 60642)
When?: Doors open at 8, show begins at 9
Why?: We love performing for you, there will be drink specials, lots of prizes to give away, and to raise monies for our NYC show!
Huh?: See now you are just asking questions to be silly. Silly pretty people.

Well it all started in a small town in Helen, Georgia where my Uncle Triceratops fell off of a toilet seat and invented the flux capacitor.  You see what I did there?  I just improvised a backstory that involved both time travel and dinosaurs.  It’s a sickness I tell you!  If only there were some way to go back and stop myself from ever making a dinosaur time travel reference in an improv scene….

OH WAIT!  There is!

(Running sounds)

(Car door opening sound)

(Time circuits turning on sound)

(Zoran explaining “This is wearing you’re going, this is where you are, this is where you were” to the audience sound)

(Ignition and tire squealing sound)

(Car Acceleration sound)

(Car accelerating past 80mph sound)

(Car accelerating past 85mph sound)

(Car accelerating past 86mph sound)

(Car accelerating past 87mph sound)

(Car hitting a brick wall at 88mph sound)

(Lonely car burning sound)

(Ambulance sound)

(Horrified Medic saying, “MY GOD!” sound)

(Zoran’s remains being zipped up in a coroner’s bag sound AKA a zipper sound)

(Parents planning a funeral sound)

(Funeral being interrupted by a herd of Gallimimus (Veggisaurus) sound)

(Parents selling the rights to Zoran’s story to Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis sound)

(690 Million Dollar box office opening sound)

(Zoran being slapped in the back of the head by Lee, Seth, Charley, and Zack for writing this blog post sound)

—–END TRANSMISSION—–

Hello friends! We just wanted to post a quick thank you to everyone who came out to last night’s show with Harold Ramis and Aaron Freeman.

Special thanks to Emanuel Congregation for having us, especially Leah Jones and the amazing (and funny) Rabbi Zedek.

Extra special thanks to you, our fans, new and old. Without you we are nothing!

Stay tuned friends we should have some new show announcements coming soon.

We were featured on Beyond the Pedway today where we talked about sketch comedy, why we do it and the anatomy of a Long Pork show.

Also, tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow night we are opening for Mr. Harold Ramis!

Here are the details:

Saturday March 20th, 2010
7:30pm – 9:30pm

Emanuel Congregation
5959 N. Sheridan Rd.
Chicago, IL 60660

You can buy tickets here and if you use the discount code of “LongPork” you’ll save $10. However, we’ve found out that Gold Star Tickets is selling them for a low-low price of $20 so we’re not questioning it, check them out here.

Anyway, we can’t wait to see you folks tomorrow night. If we haven’t met you before, please take a moment to come say hi and introduce yourself, we love making new friends!

Have you ever wondered what happens when crazy puts on a suit, gets on T.V., and can sing?

Well, luckily this query was answered years ago. And we found the video to prove it!

ENJOY! You would be crazy not to.

We are insanely excited to have the honor to open for Harold Ramis at Emanuel Congregation this Saturday, March 20th at 7:30PM!

Harold Ramis will be joined by Aaron Freeman, a local Chicago comedian, who will lead their conversation on the meaning of life. No, big deal. Just the basics. Why are we here? What’s the reason we all love the smell of new markers? Why do dogs have better names than some kids? Simple questions I’m sure we’ve asked ourselves time and time again. Although, I imagine some of their questions may have more substance. Maybe.

Either way, we are excited and hope you can come out to see the show. It promises to be an amazing time.

You can purchase tickets from Brown Paper Tickets, use the code “longpork” for a discount!

You can also purchase tickets from Gold Star Tickets. They don’t mention anything about us, but trust us, we’ll be there.

We’ll see all of you pretty people there!

THE BEGININING (No that’s not mispelled, it’s just fun to say!)
Graboids are large subterranean, worm-like creatures that were first discovered in 1889 in the small town of Rejection, Nevada (Later renamed Perfection).  Of course fossil records (As discovered by Kate Reilly in Tremors 2) show that Graboids are pre-cambrian lifeforms (Basically that means they are the oldest lifeform on the planet.) Originally the creatures weren’t called Graboids.  (Also they were never called “Tremors” as most people seem to call them, Zack Whittington included) They were referred to as “Dirt Dragons.”  The name Graboid came from a shop owner named Walter Chang who named the creatures and was then horribly eaten by them. (Some alternate names were: suckoid, snakeoid, Bing Crosby.)  Graboids hatched from eggs that can lay dormant for centuries, thus the reason Graboid appearances are so few and far between.  Once hatched the baby Graboid is about 3-4 feet long and tends to kill it’s prey by launching itself like a dodgeball into the victims chest, knocking them down and allowing it’s siblings to pull them apart limb by limb.  Pleasant, eh?

GRABOID (Caederus Americana)
Once the baby Graboids have matured and stopped playing with their Graboid Barbies and Graboid Tonka trucks they become the creatures we all fell in love with in the movie Tremors.  The adult graboid is about 30 feet long, and weighs around 15 tons.  Graboids have no eyes and thus hunt by sensing vibrations.  They travel underground at tremendous speeds using a series of spikes on their thick, leathery hides.  The Graboid head is a large, hardened, black beak that opens to reveal it’s gapping orange mouth.  All graboids (except for Stumpy and the Graboid (made by Lana Crooks) that appears in Long Pork shows) have a series of three serpent like tongues that are used to taste and grab prey, pulling the prey into it’s mouth with ruthless efficiency.  Graboids are highly intelligent creatures that have demonstrated the capacity for memory and the ability to learn.  For example, in Tremors (Click Link for the scene directly referenced in our show), a graboid was killed by having it swallow a pipebomb.  Another graboid saw this trap and thus spit the dynamite back out. So basically the only way to escape a Graboid is to find a large rock, water tower, roof, or other high stable location that “GETS YOU OFF THE GROUND!”

SHRIEKER (Caederus Mexicana)
First seen in the film Tremors 2: Aftershocks, the shrieker is the second evolutionary stage of the Graboid.  When it’s time for a Graboid to metamorphosis into a Shrieker, it will come out of the ground and beach itself, much like a whale.  After a period of several hours, between 3-6 Shriekers (depending on how much the Graboid ate before evolving) will burst from the Graboid’s belly leaving a hollow, goo filled shell behind.  Shriekers are land based bipeds (walk on two feet) that are about 5 feet long and 3.5 feet tall.  Shriekers, like Graboids, have no eyes but instead have heat vision (much like rattle snakes).  Shriekers hunt in packs and use their large numbers to overwhelm potential prey.  Shriekers are aptly named because of the immense shrieking noise they emit when they see prey.  However, the noise is meaningless because Shriekers are deaf.  Instead, when they shriek they let out an immense amount of heat and this is what signals other shriekers to get their asses over to the big people buffet.  This new heat vision attribute makes surviving a Shrieker attack, “a whole new ball game” (Quoted by Earl Bassett).  Shriekers  are asexual, meaning they reproduce without getting their potential mates drunk and pregnant in a 1972 Chevy Nova.  Shriekers actually reproduce by binging on food.  When they get enough food, they basically vomit out an infant that grows to full size Shrieker in a matter of hours.  Thus their breeding rate is exponential.  The best defense against Shriekers is a belt-felt fully automatic gun of your choice or covering yourself in a fire extinguisher and saying “Man this stuff is cold” (You know to really emphasize that you’re being sprayed with something cold.)  If you don’t have access to either of these elements, well, I’ll notify your next of kin.

ASS-BLASTER (Caederus Americana Combustus)
The third and final evolutionary stage in the Graboid life cycle.  First seen in the film Tremors 3: Back to Perfection.  Ass-blasters were named by Jody Chang (Grand-daughter of Walter Chang.  Fitting, really…)  The Ass-blaster looks like an elongated Shrieker at about 8 feet long and 4 feet tall.  They have heat vision just like Shriekers, but have now gained the ability to fly. (That’s right they fly now.  It was either that or they got a learners permit and learned to drive.  And I don’t know about you, but a pre-cambrian motorist is not my idea of a scary movie killer.  I see enough off them on the road already in the form of the elderly.  Ah thank you.)  The way that Ass-blasters fly relates directly to their name.  The Ass-Blaster works two chemicals into it’s tail section that come from separate organs in the body.  When the  chemicals mix, and are exposed to the air, they react violently, creating an explosion that lifts them into the air. This is similar to the Bombardier Beetle.  Ass-Blasters hunt in packs and tend to ride hot air currents while scanning the ground for prey.  Contrary to Shriekers, when Ass-Blasters eat a large amount of food, they do not reproduce, but rather go into a food coma.  (Once again things that should have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!)  Ass-Blasters carry inside them a single Graboid egg.  This coupled with the Ass-blaster’s ability to fly allows them to propogate the Graboid species across vast distances.  It is presumed that Ass-blasters migrate together like geese to a location where they will all lay their eggs together, much like sea turtles.  Thus started the lifecycle of the Graboid anew in a town near you!

So there you have it.  Everything you ever wanted to know about the Graboid and more….much….much more.  To find out more about Graboids, visit your local Burt Gummer and see what he has to say.   And with this article I have solidified my place in the halls of nerdiness among such greats as Harry Knowles and that kid that said “For-ev-er” in the Sandlot.

-Zoran Gvojic
Gentleman of Long Pork

References:
• “My Brain” Created by Susan Brown and Djordje Gvojic one drunken Fourth of July ©1982
• http://tremors.wikia.com
• Tremors Quiz: Which Are You?
• Stampede Entertainment: The makers of the Tremors films.
• Buy Tremors Attack Pack featuring Tremors 1,2,4, and 3!